Control
by gallatica7
Summary: After the Journey, Goku sits and ponders on the past. [GokuSanzo]


A/N: This ficlet is totally dedicated to **kitsune-oni**, my wonder beta-reader.

Disclaimer: I don't own Saiyuki.

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As Goku lies here, his mind wanders; his thoughts return back to when they were Journeying, back to when the days were long, tiring, draining. Yet he does not despise those days, no; he welcomes them, treasures them.

Those days they were at inns, towns, and sometimes neither and Goku wouldn't mind; no he rejoiced in the days when they were under the stars with the wind caressing him; and when they were in the woods the ancient trees and young animals always watched, spectated, always whispered, "earth spirit," and Goku wouldn't care because Sanzo was beneath him, looking so rare and beautiful, and Goku wouldn't care about the invisible spectators at all.

Those were the days when Sanzo would moan and scream his name and then lie back drained, exhausted from Exertion but beautiful nonetheless, and Goku would bend over to clean him, lick his wounds and think "I did that," and Sanzo would let him, Sanzo would lie back and be pleasured by this beautiful being, this disciple of his who knew so much and so little, whose innocence shined through his heretic's eyes, innocence that amounted to nothing when it came to pleasuring his Master.

And only Goku was allowed; only Goku was permitted to witness Sanzo like this, to touch and caress him and make him the opposite of what his holy name stood for.

Beautiful sin.

And as Goku rises from his cot to sit upon the windowsill, he wonders and asks himself "Why are we here?" and he looks at the modest room, and he looks outside into the cool night, and he can smell the incense and he can hear the monks chanting and he can see the sacred peach tree that he isn't allowed to climb but does anyway.

He thinks of Hakkai and Gojyo and how they are just a day's walk away and he looks back to the peach tree and asks again: "Why back here?"

He wants to ask Sanzo _why_, _why not_, and _how come_,but Sanzo is not here, no; Sanzo is a week's walk away, and maybe if Goku runs all the way Sanzo would be there, looking bored, but Goku doesn't because he is supposed to stay here at the Temple.

Sanzo said so, and Sanzo also said that these days people don't like youkai, they despise them and fear them, and even though Goku is much more than a youkai he still stays at the Temple, because like Sanzo says, people are stupid and it's better, safer like this, and Goku says yes only because Sanzo looks tired and drawn even though the Journey is over.

So Goku sits here on the windowsill with the windows open to let the Wind enter, and the Wind plays with his hair and tousles it, but Goku doesn't mind because when Sanzo returns it will be tousled anyway with Sanzo's fingers buried in the strands as Goku spills himself deep inside his Master.

Burning, beautiful sin.

The sound of hooves disturbs him, and he peers outside and smell horses and runs from the room, reaching the gates before the men do and "Where is Sanzo?"

Then he remembers, no, Sanzo isn't due back yet, not for another two days, so he turns to go back in, but he doesn't because he is staring at the other monks, they are circling and gathering around the men on the horses, and one of the men looks at Goku and calls him, yes, it's the nice man that went with Sanzo!

But Goku doesn't stop to question because Dread is filling him even as he approaches the man, suffocating him even as he mounts the horse called over for him, even as the other monks try to get in his way. No, his heart is twisting and his blood is burning, and as he makes his steed go faster he feels the Voice tugging at the back of his mind, "Let me out!" and Goku remembers when Sanzo left, the fatigue that was covered with a scowl, and Goku hears the Voice again, louder and demanding, and Goku feels himself falling behind the other riders because his head is spinning and his hands are shaking with forbidding tremors, and in his mind he can still see Sanzo, flushed and naked and beautiful, and Goku knows it will only be a memory if he doesn't hurry, but he is helpless, the Voice is screaming at him and in his mind he sheds tears because he is losing and he is weak and the Voice is winning and overtaking his body and "this is it" and Goku's horse stumbles and doesn't move again

The other riders scream and try to escape, and the nice man that went with Sanzo shuts his eyes and remembers when Goku was the attractive teen that he secretly liked instead of this beautiful, vicious creature, and now he knows… he knows that he should have listened to Sanzo when the priest said, "Don't tell Goku."

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A/N: So whaddya think? It's my first time doing something like this, and I really need you to give me your Honest Opinion. :)


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